PHUMULANI: African Women Against Violence chief executive officer and founder Comfort Dondo has urged Zimbabweans to rethink how society views marriage, divorc...
PHUMULANI: African Women Against Violence chief executive officer and founder Comfort Dondo has urged Zimbabweans to rethink how society views marriage, divorce, separation and domestic conflict following the deaths of Zimbabwe Human Rights Commission Commissioner Dr Martin Muduva and his wife, Lyliosa Chirara.
Dondo said her thoughts were particularly with the children who had lost their parents in circumstances that she said no child should have to understand.
Speaking in the aftermath of the Dzivarasekwa tragedy, Dondo said she did not want to add to speculation, blame or social media commentary about circumstances she could not personally verify.
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Instead, she called for a broader conversation about Zimbabwean culture, expectations surrounding marriage, relationship breakdowns and the way society responds to people experiencing heartbreak and separation.
Dondo said marriage should not be treated as the ultimate measure of a woman’s success or worth.
She noted that many African girls grow up hearing questions about when they will get married and messages encouraging them to preserve their marriages regardless of the circumstances.
According to Dondo, while marriage can be a meaningful and sacred partnership, society should not make it the defining achievement of a woman’s life.
She argued that women who experience divorce or become single mothers should not be made to feel that they have failed.
Dondo also challenged the stigma directed at divorced women, widows and single mothers, saying such attitudes could leave people trapped in unhealthy relationships because of fear of shame, gossip, economic difficulties or social condemnation.
She said society needed to raise children who understood that relationships could change or end without diminishing a person’s humanity or worth.
Dondo also extended the message to men, saying they should be allowed to experience heartbreak, rejection and divorce without feeling that such experiences diminished their masculinity.
She said boys and men needed to be taught that another person was not their possession and that love should never be confused with ownership.
“When love ends, grieve. Cry. Pray. Find a therapist. Call your brothers. Go home to your mother. Sit with your pastor. Seek professional help,” Dondo said in her reflections.
She encouraged people experiencing overwhelming emotions to seek help rather than making irreversible decisions during moments of intense anger, humiliation, betrayal or despair.
Dondo also shared aspects of her own experience, saying she had gone through betrayal, separation, stigma and a period in which she was separated from her children.
She said there were periods of intense anger, grief and desperation when she experienced thoughts that could have resulted in irreversible consequences had she acted on them.
However, Dondo said her Christian faith provided her with an internal refuge during those difficult periods.
She said she had come to believe that young women and men needed to cultivate a personal relationship with God and develop a place within themselves where they could retreat when life became overwhelming.
According to Dondo, that spiritual foundation helped her avoid making what she described as a permanent decision during a temporary crisis.
Her recovery, she said, was not immediate or easy.
Dondo said she experienced homelessness, shame and public judgment before rebuilding her life and reconnecting with her sense of purpose.
She said her experience had taught her that difficult seasons eventually change and that people can rebuild their lives after experiences they once believed would destroy them.
Dondo also referred to the Shona expression “Hakuna munhu wemunhu”, saying it should serve as a reminder that another person cannot become the sole foundation of an individual’s identity.
She connected the idea to Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory”, which encourages people to stop exhausting themselves trying to control the decisions of others.
Dondo said people needed to learn not only to allow others to make their own choices, but also to allow themselves to heal, rebuild and rediscover their identity outside a relationship.
The Phumulani founder said communities also needed to change the way they responded to relationships that had become dangerous.
She warned against treating reconciliation as the only acceptable outcome when relationships become volatile or abusive.
According to Dondo, people facing threats, stalking, coercive control or escalating violence require practical safety planning and professional assistance rather than being told simply to return home and save their marriages.
She called on churches, relatives, traditional leaders and community structures to create environments where people could openly say they were not safe and be believed.
Dondo said protecting a person from violence should be regarded as important as protecting a marriage.
“Sometimes protecting a family means accepting that its structure has to change,” she said.
She also appealed to Zimbabwean men to challenge misogynistic attitudes and the treatment of women as property.
Dondo urged men to challenge peers who turn rejection into humiliation, promote hostility towards women or use misogyny as entertainment on social media.
She said boys should be taught that masculinity could survive rejection and that a man could experience the end of a relationship without losing his dignity or sense of worth.
Dondo further stressed that children could have separated parents and still grow up knowing that they were loved.
“There is no shame in heartbreak. There is no shame in therapy. There is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in beginning again,” she said.
Her comments come as Zimbabweans continue to debate the circumstances surrounding the deaths of Dr Muduva and Chirara, with police investigations still underway.
Dondo urged the public to avoid allowing speculation surrounding the tragedy to overshadow the broader issues affecting families and relationships.
She said children remained among those most affected when adult conflicts ended in tragedy.
Dondo called for greater emphasis on preventing situations in which anger, betrayal, humiliation or despair could escalate into violence.
She encouraged people overwhelmed by intense emotions to create distance from the situation, contact someone they trust, seek professional assistance, pray and move to a safe environment.
She said giving emotions time to settle could make it possible for people to see alternatives that may not be visible during a crisis.
Dondo’s central message was that the end of a relationship should not be treated as the end of a person’s life.
She said Zimbabwean society should work towards normalising healthy relationship endings, supporting people rebuilding after divorce and removing the stigma attached to single parenthood and widowhood.
She also urged parents to teach children that their worth does not begin with marriage and cannot be taken away when a relationship ends.
Above all, Dondo called for a culture that prioritises life, safety and healthy endings over maintaining appearances at all costs.
